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Understanding Teenage Boys (Charlie McDonnell)
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Professor Charlie McDonnell of the McCoollike Important Institution takes you on a journey into the inner workings of the classic teenage boy.

Full disclosure:

The fake tongue is a real thing, and I've been allowed permission to use the photo in this video under the condition that I show you where you can buy one if you'd like to: - They also said they'd send me some free fake tongues, but I declined because seriously, what would I do with a bunch of fake tongues?

I'm not receiving anything from Marmite, though I sure wouldn't mind it if they send me some free spread. You either love it or you hate it, and I love it.

Yes, those are the 3D glasses that I got when I went to see Avatar.

Charlie McDonnell

Hi, I’m Professor Charlie, of The McCoollike Important Institution, and today, I’m gonna be answering the ultimate question: Why are teenage boys the way they are?

We all know that on a molecular level little boys are made of slugs, snails and puppy dogs’ tails. But did you know that teenage boys are made of pugs, nails and Marmite? In fact, teenage boys can take more marmites than any other demographic. One of the interesting facts about teenage boys is that over the years, they’ve evolved their own language, known to language experts as Conversial Gruntism.  You probably know it by its mainstream name “Grunting”.  Here are a few examples of the language:

- Mum!
- That’s so unfair
- I hate you!
- I’m hungry!
- When’s the next train to London Paddington?
- Buh!

Little boys and little girls all enjoy jokes about pooh-pooh. But why? Well, there’s a little cockroach that lives inside the brain of all children that gets its sustenance from the energy given off when a child experiences a pooh-pooh joke. When a little girl reaches thirteen, the cockroach falls out of her nose and she grows up. But in little boys the cockroach stays there until they reach adulthood, which is why you find teenage boys, and sometimes even grown men, finding the urge to laugh at a simple joke about pooh-pooh.

One of the most recent discoveries regarding teenage boys is the trend to wearing your trousers very very low around your waist. Scientists have been rattling with the cause of it for years, but some philosophers believe that teenage boys do it because of something that they refer to as “cool”. Personally I feel as that the impracticality of wearing your trousers so low around your waist must undoubtedly outweigh any kind of “cool” factor, but one thing we know for certain is that it looks really, really stupid.

Sit across at a table from a teenage boy and watch him eat. What on earth is he eating? Teenage boys have very strange eating habits, but why? Well, if you take a closer look into the mouth of a teenage boy you will notice that they don’t actually have a tongue. Nowadays prosthetics tongues are all the rage, but as real as they may look and feel, they still can’t taste. So if you ever see a teenage boy shovelling a mixture of pizza, ice-cream and dirt into his mouth, you’ll know why. He just can’t taste it.

Pooie! What’s that smell?
Ohhh, I don’t want to have a shower!
Well, it’s the distinctive whiff of a teenage boy who hasn’t washed for three years.

As we previously mentioned, a large proportion of a teenage boy is made out of Marmite, and we all know what happens when you put Marmite in water.

The only way that teenage boys can clean themselves is by rubbing butter into their skin, cancelling out the surface Marmite, which is what gives teenage boys that distinctive buttery smell.

And finally, one of the most frequently asked questions about teenage boys is “How do you get them to like you?!”, and the answer is, of course, “You don’t”. Don’t try anything, just be yourself. The best teenage boys are gonna be the ones that like you for who you are.

… Or buy them a excessively bagging pairs of jeans, tell them a bunch of pooh-pooh jokes, only ever communicate using grunting, rip your tongue out and rub yourself butter into your skin. And that’s how you get teenage boys to love you. Facts.

You’ve just had the almost imponderable joy of watching charlieissocoollike, which makes you like cool.

ULTIMATE= Of a maximum importance.

SLUGS, SNAILS AND PUPPY DOGS’ TAILS= See pictures of SLUGS, SNAILS; a PUPPY is a baby dog. This is a reference to a very well-known nursery rhyme for children called “What Are Little Boys Made Of?”. Listen to the song here.
What are little boys made of? What are little boys made of?
Frogs and snails, and puppy dogs tails / That's what little boys are made of !"
What are little girls made of? / What are little girls made of?
"Sugar and spice and all things nice / That's what little girls are made of!

PUGS= A breed of dogs, not very nice looking, originally from China (see picture)

MARMITE= A brand of spread very well-known in Britain and which tastes… well, many people like it, many don’t. (see picture)

DEMOGRAPHIC= A portion of population sharing a similar feature (for example: boys vs girls, age range, race, etc), especially considered as consumers.

FACTS= Information based on objective real data, especially if it can be scientifically proved.

OVER THE YEARS= Through the years.

EVOLVED= If you evolve something, you slowly create it through a serious of little changes in a slow evolution process.

MAINSTREAM= Being part of the most common and general culture or way of life (as opposed to alternative lifestyles or particular groups of people)

GRUNTING= To Grunt is to pronounce a deep guttural sound, as a hog does, or to express with similar sounds, as when you say things with a very deep voice and a very poor enunciation.

UNFAIR= Unjust, without justice.

POOH-POOH= (esp. BrE baby talk) Excrements.

COCKROACH= An insect similar to a beetle that may be found in some houses (see picture)

BRAIN= The grey mass that is inside your head and which, hopefully, you use to think.

SUSTENANCE= The food, etc. you need to survive (in this case, the energy/food).

GIVEN OFF= Emitted, produced.

ADULTHOOD= The part of your life when you are an adult man/woman and not a child or a teenager.

URGE= Strong desire.

LAUGH= /lɑ:f/ To emit uncontrollable happy sounds through your mouth because you find something very funny (ha ha ha)

REGARDING= Concerning, related to, connected with.

TREND= Fashion.

RATTLING= Thinking hard, trying to find a solution or answer.

IMPRACTICALITY= Impossibility.

UNDOUBTEDLY= For sure, without a doubt.

OUTWEIGH= If A outweighs B, that means that A and B are factors influencing something, but A is a stronger factor, so B’s influence is little or even disappears.

WHAT ON EARTH…?= We can use the phrase ON EARTH with interrogative words (what, who, which, when, where, how…) to emphasize, to show surprise or anger:
- Who on earth are you and what are you doing in my house?

PROSTHETICS= The branch of medicine or surgery that deals with the production and application of artificial body parts.

ALL THE RAGE= (coll.) Extremely popular.

TASTE= One of the five human senses, the one associated with what you eat.

SHOVELLING= ʌvəl/(coll.) To eat quickly and in big amounts (from the word Shovel)

DIRT= Earth from the ground, etc.

POOIE!= (BrE more commonly: Pooh!) An expression of disdain, contempt, disgust or disbelief (disgust in this case)

DISTINCTIVE= Particular, easy to identify.

WHIFF= (BrE coll.) Stench, stink, bad odour.

CANCELLING OUT= To eliminate the effect of something.

BUTTERY= Similar or connected to butter.

GONNA= (coll.) Be going to.

BAGGING= Very very loose and wide.

A BUNCH OF= (coll.) A few.

RIP= Tear, separate by breaking.

IMPONDERABLE= So big that you can’t measure it.

JOY= Happiness.



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