How I found out about girls (Tales of mere existence)
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A fine example of how a socially isolated youth discovered the opposing gender.


I was the youngest of three brothers and so, for the first few years of my life, I didn’t really know anything about girls at all. I remember being fascinated that some of my Lego figures had a necklace painted on them instead of a suit and tie and my brother told me that some of the men who worked in my dad’s office had pictures of naked ladies in their lockers.

Girls also tended to be the topic of most of "The Monkees" lyrics and so I concluded that girls were a mysterious all-consuming obsession and that from what my mum told me it was likely that I would eventually wind up having babies with one.

My first real awakening was an obvious one. I ditched my Luke Skywalker action figure and my Han Solo, my R2D2 and Darth Vader and I spent hours feeling up the little plastic bumps on the chest of Princess Leia. However, the number of foxy poses that Leia would go into were fairly limited so I pleaded with my friend Matt to let me borrow a few of his "Planet of the Apes" dolls.

Zira, the female ape scientist, had a removable cloth outfit and underneath was all puddy-coloured bare skin. Although the anatomic details of the doll were not very specific, I was endlessly aroused regardless of the fact that on top of it all she still had an ape head.

When I turned seven I finally got a real look at the girls when me and a girl from school played "I’ll show you mine if you show me yours" behind the tree in my backyard.

The event was somewhat unspectacular because we didn’t fool around or anything but at least it was a step up from looking at National Geographic and my brother’s book of Andrew Wires paintings. Just as an aside, that girl went on to play an advanced version of our game in high school with about 45 percent of the football team.

I was still really scared of girls, though. I liked them but I didn’t know how to talk to them. I asked my parents for advice and got conflicting approaches to the subject. My mom is from the mid-west and she said that when you talked to a girl you had to make sure they knew that you’re noble and honourable and clean and reverent and respected them as a person because most boys were after only one thing. My dad, on the other hand, is from Turkey and when I asked him about girls he took me to the diner for a cheese-burger and ice-cream and asked all the good-looking waitresses if they wanted to marry me.

I think I was in the 3rd grade when I had my first little date. There was a girl in my class I liked, and after a few months I finally got the nerve to ask her over to play after school. We played Monopoly and battleship and I did my best to sound like a fascinating, intelligent gentleman while we discussed spelling and multiplication tables. The whole time, though, all I was thinking about was when would be a good time to maybe hold her hand and see if I could try to kiss her.

It was the sort of thing I expected to pass with ++++, but in a lot of ways, things haven’t really changed all that much.


AT ALL= it is used to emphasize negative sentences and questions: "I don’t like it at all", "do you like it at all? But to emphasize an affirmative sentence we can’t use it, instead, we use other expressions, for example: "I like it very much", "I really like it", "I do like it".

I REMEMBER BEING FASCINATED= the verb "to remember" is followed by –ING when we’re talking about a past memory ("I remember collecting insects when I was a child") and it’s followed by infinitive with TO when we’re talking about something we have to remember in the future ("please, remember to visit Susan when you arrive in London").

LOCKER= a little cubicle of metal (you have lots of them together, usually in two or three rows) where people can put (and lock) clothes, books, etc. They’re often used in schools, working places and fitness centres (gyms).

GIRLS TEND TO BE... = girls often are...

TOPIC= subject, the main idea.

LYRICS= the words of a song.

LIKELY= probable

EVENTUALLY= in the end, sooner or later.

WIND UP= get to a result.

AWAKENING= when you have an awakening about something you start to know it or feel it.

DITCH= throw it away, stop using it.

LUKE SKYWALKER, HANS SOLO, R2D2, DARK VADER, PRINCESS LEIA= the most important characters in the famous trilogy of the film "Starwars .

R2D2= it was a robot from Starwars. The name is funny because the idea is that when you pronounce it in English (especially with an American accent) it sounds like the Spanish name "Arturito", which means "little Arthur".

DOLL= a small figure representing a person (or an animal) to play with.

FEEL UP= when you touch a person of the opposite sex in private parts that are not usually allowed to touch.

BUMPS= a raised, uneven part on a surface. In this case, it refers to the doll’s breasts (tits).

POSE= posture, body position.

FAIRLY= quite

PLEAD= if you plead with someone to do something you ask them in an intense, emotional way to do it, because you very much want them to do it.

APE= monkey

PLANET OF THE APES= the title of a famous film series where, in the future, the apes (gorillas in this case), became intelligent and took control of the planet, turning humans into slaves or game (animals for hunting).

REMOVABLE= something that you can remove (take away).

OUTFIT= clothes

UNDERNEETH= below, under it.

PUDDY-COLOURED= an adjective meaning "the colour of puddy", which is a light bluish grey (bluish= more or less blue).

BARE= naked, without clothes.

AROUSED= sexually excited.

REGARDLESS= not considering, not paying attention to that.

SOMEWHAT= more or less.

UNSPECTACULAR= not spectacular, not very important (UN- is a negative prefix).

FOOL AROUND= when you fool around with somebody you do some sexual activities but nothing too serious.

JUST AS AN ASIDE= "an aside" here is a comment we make to give more details about something, but which is not important for the story we are telling about.

HIGH SCHOOL (AmE) 15-18 year-old students = Secondary school (BrE) 11-16 years old; 16-18 may be called "secondary school", but it is usually called "sixth-form college" in England.

FOOTBALL= in America, Football is a game similar to rugby. What we call "football" in UK and most of the world, is called in USA "soccer" (pronounced "sock-ker")

SCARED= afraid

3rd GRADE= in America, the school course you take when you’re 8-9 years old.

DINER= a kind of little popular restaurant where you usually get fast food and similar. Very common in the USA. Don't confuse "diner" with "dinner" (different meaning and pronunciation)

A DATE= when you have an appointment with a girl (because you like her). In AmE "my date" can also mean "my girlfriend/boyfriend".

I GOT THE NERVE TO DO IT= I was brave and finally did something I was very shy or afraid to do (I overcame my fears and finally got to do it).

ASK HER OVER= ask her to come to my house for a visit.

BATTLESHIP= the game Battleship is a paper and pen guessing game played by two people. Each has a grid with ships painted on it. A ship may take one to three boxes in the grill and no one can see the other one’s grill. They try to sink each other’s ships by bombing boxes in their grills. Every box is defined by a letter (on the X axe) and a number (on the Y axe), for instance B-4.

I DID MY BEST= I tried to do all I could do, the best I could do it.

THE WHOLE TIME= all the time.