The first episode of this hilarious British comedy. (sorry about the Spanish subtitles)

See LINKS for other episodes:

EPISODE 1      EPISODE 2     Sketch

[transcript fragment]


Roy: Well, here we are. Your place, your place. La maison de la femme. El casa del senorita. [Pause] Das haus der frau.

Patricia: You've got shit on your head. There's some shit on your head.
Roy: What?. Where?
Patricia: It's been there for ages.
Roy: Oh God. Oh God.
[Roy wipes his finger through his forehead and smells the substance]
Roy: It's chocolate, it's chocolate. It's not shit. It's chocolate. It's my dessert.

Roy: Oh, she's gonna tell everyone.
Moss: Come on, she's a receptionist. She'd hardly gossip. Besides, it's a boring story.
Roy: Yeah, it's boring. She won't tell anyone.
[Jen comes in the room, cackling with laughter]
Moss: She might have told Jen.

Jen: Moss. Moss, there is a spider in my office. Could you deal with it? I just hate spiders.
Moss: HEHEHE. Oh. Ah, yeah. I'm not overly fond of them myself there Jen. Hooooow, hooow big is, Ohheynow! I'll tell you what. I actually recommend my good friend Roy there as the go-to-guy on anything with more than 7 eyes. He's on a very brief personal call right now.
Jen: Come on Moss, don't be silly.
[Jen lifts Moss up and half-carries him across the room]
Moss: No, you're right I'm being silly-WRAP IT UP ROY!

Moss: Oh, look, it seems to have left on his own volition.
Jen: Oh! Be a man Moss.
Moss: You're right. I'll be a man. I'm a man. [whimpers] Please don't shut the door.
Jen: I won't.
Moss: Goodbye Jen.

Moss: JEN?
Jen: Yes?
Moss: Is Roy off the phone yet? The spider is now upon my person.

Roy: How do you know about this site?
Moss: Oh, I'm a member.
Roy: Really? You do the whole Lonely Hearts thing?
Moss: I'm a 32 year old IT-man who works in a basement. Yes, I do the whole Lonely Hearts thing!

[Moss and Roy downloading a picture of the woman who replied to Roy's fake classified ad at "pre-broadband-speed"]
Roy: Nice hair so far.
Roy: Eyebrows seem normal.
Moss: Two eyes. That's the best amount of eyes.
Roy: Nice eyes too. It has to go around. She must have a shite nose.
Roy: Oh, do you remember the internet at this speed? Up all night and you'll see 8 women.

Moss: Did you see I'm a Millionaire last night?
Roy: Who Wants to be a Millionaire, it's called.
Moss: Well you're not going to Adam-and-believe this.

[Jen trying desperately to find a nice restaurant in the yellow pages]
Moss: Well I went to a good restaurant recently. Nice atmosphere, food's great.
Jen: Really?
Moss: Yes, what?
Jen: Sorry I just didn't have you down as a restaurant person.
Moss: I'm a restaurant person. Why wouldn't I be a restaurant person? Cheesestring?
Jen: What is this place called?
Moss: Mesijos.
[Note: It's actually Messy Joe's]

[Moss is sitting on the toilet and his mum is talking to him through the door]
Mum: Moss? What you doing in there?
Moss: Number twos! Leave me alone!
Mom: Don't forget to flush or you'll plug it up like you used to.
Moss: I know! Stop doing this! You're always doing this! You're making it go back in!