CALAMITY JANE

Has this... ever happened to you?
From today, dialling 999 won't get you the emergency services.
And that's not the only thing that's changing. Nicer ambulances, faster response times, and better looking drivers mean they're not just the emergency services, they're "your" emergency services. So... remember the new number:

That's...
Hello? I've had a bit of a tumble...

- Well that's easy to remember!
0118 999 881 999 119 725...
...3!
- I don't know why they just couldn't keep it as it was! How hard is it to remember 911?
- You mean 999...
- I mean 999!
- That's the American one!
- Yeah!
- You berk!
- Come on, are you ready?
I don't know what to say really
it's fun... there are some many issues in the world, They are beautiful, I love them... in fact they're the most beautiful shoes I've ever seen but... you know, I can't have everything that I love, otherwise I'd own lots of things, and actually they're red, which is quite tarty, and they don't necessarily go with any of my outfits...
- Come on you crazy bitch!
Come on!
Come on!
- Denholm's called the general.
- Oh God, another one!
Yeah!
I bet he declares war on something!
He loves declaring war!
I am declaring... WAR!
I can see that got your attention.
What am I declaring war on?
My bollocks?! Stress!
Stress is a disease, people, and I am a cure!
I'm a doctor with a cure.
No, no! I'm a General! And it's still a war! A war on disease! Stress!
There's too much stress around here.
- They're very expensive and besides, the woman in the shop said they were way too small for me.
- You see you know, be practical, go on!
- In the time... I've been speaking,over 18 million people have died of stress. That's another one. That's another one. More... Mayhem! We gotta deal with it! Are you ready to deal with it?!
- Yeah!
- Say: "I hate stress!"
- I hate stress!
- No!
You didn't let me finish. Say: "I hate stress..." and I want to limitate its influence in my life, what can I do about it? Anyone?
Have a bath?
Have a bath?!
Get a bike!
I cycle to work... everyday!
70 miles!
Both here, and here...
are as red as a fire engine!
Any other ideas?
Jen, what about you?
Shoes!
- What?
- Shoes!
Well, shoes...
Ok, look! I have invited Dr. Julian Holmes to come and give a class at lunchtime. He is Europe's leading stress expert. They call him:" Stressperts!"
Anyone interested in coming along picking up a few tips on how to manage stress?
There's a free buffet...
Good!
Good people.
Oh! By the way! Anyone still experiencing stress at the end of the day... will be fired!
It's not going on!
Yeah, I think it is so.
Just down angle it a bit more.
Are you sure you're a 5?
- I'm not a liar.
- Yeah, but I mean I can't...
Just... just...
I can feel the heel going into the shoe.
Just down angle a bit more...
There is no angle, but I could...
Don't let me push you away!
Just lean in with the shoe. Lean in...
with the shoe!
Lean in!
We've been here... for half an hour.
The shoes aren't going on!
They're two sizes too small. And even if they did go on, they would cripple you.
You don't want that, do you?
I myself, have been subject to some...terrible rages, but... Yes?
- I'm sorry. Is this the stress class?
- Oh yeah. Come on in.
Thank you.
Moss!
This is in here! Moss!
Just come in.
Thank you.
Ok.
Are you all right?
As I was saying... I myself have been subject to some terrible rages.
Where I've...snapped at my wife, or spoken harshly to a work colleague, because of stress.
If I... just... thinking about it now, I realise I'm... raising my voice.
I'm sorry.
Stress is the main cause of heart attacks. And even a little bit... well... Let me show you what stress can do. I'm gonna need a volunteer.
Yes. Come on up.
That's fine. Can I have your left hand
there? The back?
And just relax there.
I'm gonna ask you a very personal question.
There we are, you see?
Sorry, I'm not gonna ask you anything at all. That's just to show how little is needed to send downstress levels shooting up.
Just a simple statement like that is registered very strongly on the display.
- Yes, another volunteer?
- Yeah.
Ok.
I'll have... just this off.
Ah! There it goes! Yes, raise up!
Look at that! Brilliant!
Brilliant, excellent!
It's a super machine!
Wow, great shoes!
Thank you very much.
I really envy women with dainty feet.
What are you? A five?
Yeah! Five...
Well, just a little
misunderstanding there I imagine. So...
Huh let's move on... with...
Wow!
I actually haven't had a proper go yet.
Well, I don't need attach... can't,
what's happened there...
Actually, I don't think that's fair...
I would like a go, and I think Roy should be punished for nearly killing that lady.
Well, I think I should go first!
I see, well let's move on...
- When did you grow a bit?
- A little go.
- We gotta move on...
- And I think we could...
Can we just move on?
You're old ? Are you very old?
Let's move on!
Oh! Shut up!
What are you eating?
Muffin.
A muffin? How can you be hungry, you ate a whole chicken at the stress buffet!
What's that?
Oh, I've made a stress machine to try out for myself,  like the one in that class.
Watch this.
I'm going to ask myself a very personal question.
Don't worry, I'm not really going to ask myself any questions.
Pretty good.
Not as good as the one in the stress class.
The shoes!
What was all that about?
Well, like all the women,
she's shoe mad!
It's a bit sexist, isn't it?
Do you know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes?
No, but I only know one woman. And she just left the room shouting: "the shoes!".
The needle's freaking out!
Try not to hurt yourself!
- Moss?
- Huh?
Did you use a soldering iron to make that stress machine?
Yes.
You turned it off?
Oh I'm fairly sure I did!
Because, you remember what happened last time, right?
Yes! That was very funny!
Well no! No.
It was very dangerous and someone nearly died!
Right! No! Yeah!
I was thinking of a different incident. The one on the golf course.
What?
I'm talking about the fire!
Oh yeah, fire sorry! I always get mixed up between golf and fire.
- Just make sure it's off!
- It is off.
I think.
- Well just make sure it is.
- I will make sure it is.
And if it's already off... I'll just walk away!
Will he get off my back! What is he?
The soldering iron police?
It's off...
that means I turn it... on... and just walk away!
Oh four! I mean five!
I mean fire!
Now let's see what we have here.
"Stand upright."
Now, I can't read it...
Oh, not me!
I am a giddy-goat!
Okay.
"Remove safety clip."
- Don't look at my feet!
- Fire?
Fire...
No...?
"Aim nozzle at base of fire."
Oh, that is typical!
Why has it done that?
"Made in Britain"
I'll just put this over here, with the rest... of the fire.
011 53... No.
011 huh...
0118 999...
...3!
Hello? Is this the emergency services?
Then which country am I speaking to?
Hello? Hello?
I know! Yep.
O kay.
"Subject:..."
"...fire!"
"Dear Sir", stroke, "Madam." "I'm writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..."
No. That's too formal.
"Dear Sir", stroke, "Madam."
"Fire!", exclamation mark.
"Fire!", exclamation mark.
"Help me!', exclamation mark.
"123, Carendon road."
"Looking forward to hearing from you."
"All the best, Maurice Moss."
What are you wearing size 5 shoes for, woman? You're at least an 8!
Eight?
How dare you?!
That foot is completely mangled. And the other one's even worse.
You're not wearing these again.
But I threw away my other shoes,
what am I supposed to wear?
Hello! Hello!
Do you remember me?
Can I have a go in your machine now?
- Oh hello again!
- Oh hi!
Please thank Yamamoto San for this fine ceremonial sword. It is a magnificent symbol of our new merger.
I am sorry that my gift... a huge pair of Doc' Martins, is extremely thick and heavy sorts. It's so poultry in comparison.
Please rest assured that my cultural advisor will be fired as soon as this meeting is over.
- These are very heavy shoes.
- Yes.
He feels like... Godzilla!
Does he?
Godzilla!
Go on! Stamp your feet!
Clap him man!
Good!
Oh yeah! Godzilla loves it !
Go on! Break something!
Put your weight into it!
You f...... idiot!!
You stupid old f.......
You f....... J..........
and your big m.... shoes!
Oh you're not! You're nothing!
But I f... ....
- I am... so... sorry, Denholm.
- That was quite a tarring Jen.
It would have been even worse if Paul hadn't been so quick on the profanity buzzer.
Well done, Paul!
You're back on the payroll.
As for you... you're fucked up!
Shouting at Japs! Mad feet!
Both classic signs of stress!
And you know how I feel about stress...
Go to your office, and wait for me.
Weirdest thing just happened... Fire!
Fire!
I've sent an e-mail. It's fine!
An e-mail?! It's a fire! Where...
Where is the precinct extinguisher ?
- Made in Britain!
- This is just like the golf incident!
You mean the fire incident?
I mean the fire incident!
Of course I mean the fire incident!
What have you got there?
Oh I'm in trouble! I'm in real trouble!
Help me get my shoes on!
I gotta get my shoes on!
Help me get my shoes on before Denholm comes!
- Denholm's coming?
- Yeah.
And he's got a... fire! Fire! Fire!
I've taken care of it.
I have to say I feel a little bit insulted by the lack of faith you both display.
What happened to your feet?
What is this?
I think a fire in the office demands a little more attention than my feet, don't you?
How... how did you get the stress machine Roy?
I... don't really know.
Met Dr. Holmes by the lift.
Wasn't he nice?
I thought he was a lovely man.
Yes I thought he was a delight.
But I met him there by the lift, and he just went... mental!
And one thing led to another and I just... stole it!
- You stole it...
- Yeah!
But that's stealing!
Yeah!
Didn't know what a stress machine was this morning and now we have 2 of them.
I hate to remind everyone but I've just destroyed a merger that probably took hundreds of years to set up, the office is on fire, Denholm is furious, so could we please concentrate on what's important, and help me out with my shoes!
That could get you into trouble!
Empty!
Got a little bit there!
Oh quick! No, no! Quick, no!
These are a size 5...
What are you, eight and a half?
Shut up!
- Come on!
- I'm pushing!
Push it! Oh don't let me push you away!
- Is it in?
- Come on!
Push hard guy!
The heel went right through!
Oh my God it hurts so much!
- Oh now, I'm bleeding!
- Jen!
- Where are you Jen?
- It's Denholm!
What?
Hide the stress machine!
The stress machine?
What about the fire?!
Ok! Put the stress machine in Jen's room!
- He'll never go in there!
- But what if he does?
It doesn't matter!
He won't know what it is!
I can't go to prison Roy!
They'll rape the flip out of me!
You! Stall him by the door!
I stall... How?
I don't know! Use your womanly ways!
Ok Moss! Pass me that monitor screen.
The broken one.
There you are!
Hello there!
It's no use being womanly with me Jen!
You're in big trouble!
Nice screensaver!
Thank you.
A stress machine!
Just what we need!
Roll up your sleeves, Jen.
Let's get this over with.
It's a one way ticket
to slammer town for us Roy.
With no return ticket!
I really am losing quite a lot of blood!
You understand this is your last chance?
If the needle goes beyond here... you will be fired!
Does that make you feel stressed?
Jen! Does it?
No? Are you sure?
Are you sure?
Are you sure?
... ... ... ...
Are you sure?
Are you sure?
I'll level with you Roy.
I don't think I'd flourish in a prison environment.
Could I try on your new glasses?
See this balloon, Jen?
I'm gonna burst it.
But I'm not gonna tell you when...
Do you feel stressed Jen? Jen? Jen?
Look at that!
That's your peace of mind!
And it's gonna go bang!
Do you feel stress now, Jen?
Jen!
Jen! Jen! Do you?!
Evidently not.
Well done Jen!
You're not being fired by me... at this precise moment.
I love the way the smoke seems to be coming off the top of it.
Just a second...
I'm late for golf!
I wonder why it didn't work...
"Made In Britain"
I don't know if it's the loss of blood
or the melting plastic from the monitor
but I feel great!
It's so ironic but this entire situation
has been quite stressful.
I'll get help...
Did someone e-mail us about a fire?