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| Argument clinic (Monty Python) |
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A very funny sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus. It's an argument clinic, where you go to have arguments and quarrel with professionals who help you have the most desperate discussions money can buy. The best video ever to practise short answers!
- Come in.
- Is this the right room for an argument?
- I’ve told you once.
- No, you haven’t.
- Yes, I have.
- When?
- Just now?
- No, you didn’t.
- Yes, I did.
- You didn’t.
- I did.
- You didn’t!
- I’m telling you I did!
- You did not!
- Oh, I’m sorry. Is this the five-minute argument or the full half hour?
- Oh, just the five-minute one.
- Fine. Thank you, anyway, I did.
- You most certainly did not.
- Now, let’s get something quite clear. I most definitely told you.
- You did not.
- Yes, I did.
- You did not.
- Yes, I did.
- Didn’t.
- Yes, I did.
- Didn’t.
- Yes, I did.
- Look, this isn’t an argument.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn’t. It’s just contradiction.
- No, it isn’t.
- Yes, it is.
- It is not!
- It is, you just contradicted me.
- No, I didn’t.
- Oh, you did!
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- You did, just then.
- No, no, nonsense.
- Oh, this is futile.
- No, it isn’t.
- I came here for a good argument.
- No, you didn’t. You came here for an argument.
- Well, an argument is not the same as contradiction.
- It can be.
- No, it can’t.
- An argument is a connected series of statements to establish a definite proposition.
- No, it isn’t.
- Yes, it is! It isn’t just contradiction.
- Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
- But it isn’t just saying, "No, it isn’t".
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn’t.
- Argument is an intellectual process Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
- No it isn't.
- Yes it is.
- Not at all.
- Now look...
- Thank you Good Morning.
- What?
- That's it. Good morning.
- I was just getting interested.
- Sorry, the five minutes is up.
- That was never five minutes just now.
- I'm afraid it was.
- No, it wasn't.
- Sorry, I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
- What?!
- If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
- But that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on! This is ridiculous.
- I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
- Oh, all right. There you are.
- Thank you.
- Well?
- Well what?
- That wasn't never five minutes, just now.
- I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
- I just paid!
- No you didn't.
- I did!
- You didn't.
- I did!
- You didn't.
- I did!
- You most certainly did not.
- Look, I don't want to argue about that.
- Well, I'm very sorry, but you didn't pay.
- Aha. Well, if I didn't pay, why are you arguing? Got you!
- No you haven't.
- Yes I have.
- If you're arguing, I must have paid.
- Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
- I've had enough of this.
- No you haven't.
- Oh Shut up!
ARGUMENT= A quarrel, a dispute, discussion in which disagreement is expressed; a debate.
YOU DIDN’T / YOU DID NOT= A "short answer" has three syllables:
YES/NO + Subject (a pronoun) + Auxiliary verb (the same verb that started the question, or if it was a statement we use DO is there was no auxiliary)
We will use contractions or not, depending on this rule: 3 syllables:
- Yes, I am (=3)
- No, I’m not (=3)
- Yes, he is (= 3)
- No, he isn’t (=3)
- No, he’s not (=3)
But in this conversation we also see other kind of short answers using 4 syllables:
- (No), you did not
When we do that, we are very emphatic or very bookish (pedantic)
I TOLD YOU= normal.
I DEFINITELY TOLD YOU= more emphatic.
I MOST DEFINITELY TOLD YOU= very very emphatic.
NONSENSE= Words or signs having no intelligible meaning or being absurd.
FUTILE= Useless, frivolous.
GAINSAY= To oppose, especially by contradiction.
THE FIVE MINUTES IS UP= The set time is over, has finished.
ALLOWED= Permitted. Careful with the pronunciation: /əlaʊd/
GO ON= Continue (followed by +-ING)
GOT YOU!= We use this expression when we just proved that someone is wrong.
SPARE TIME= Free time.
SHUT UP= It means the same as "be quiet" but it sounds more informal and/or rude.
Official → Cool
