- 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
- 'Ello, Miss?
- What do you mean "miss"?
- Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
- Sorry, we're closing' for lunch.
- Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
- Oh yeah, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?
- I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It’s dead, that's what's wrong with it!
- No, no, he’s...he's resting. Look.
- Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
- No, no, he's, he's not dead, he's resting'!
- Resting?
- Yeah. Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue. Beautiful plumage, ain’t it? 
- The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
- No, no! It’s resting!
- All right then, if it’s resting', I'll wake it up! 'Ello, Polly! I've got a nice can of fish for you when you wake up, Polly parrot.
- There, he moved!
- No, he didn't, that was you pushing the cage!
- I did not!!
- Yes, you did!
- ‘Ello Polly! Polly!! Polly parrot, wake up! Polly! Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
- No, no.....It’s stunned!
- Look, my love, I've had just about enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out following a long squawk.
- It’s probably pining for the fjords.
- PINING' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got it home?
- The Norwegian Blue prefers keeping' on its back! It’s a beautiful bird, lovely plumage!
- Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
- Of course it was nailed there! Otherwise it’d nuzzled up to those bars and BOO!
- Look, matey, this parrot wouldn't "boo" if I put four thousand volts through it! It’s bleeding' demised!
- It’s not. It’s…it’s pining!
- It’s not pining'! It’s passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet it’s Maker! This is a late parrot. It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, It rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushing up the daisies! It’s run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
- Well, I'd better replace it, then.
- If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain 'til you're blue in the mouth.
- Sorry guv, we're run out of parrots.
- I see. I see, I get the picture.
- I-I've got a slug.
- Does it talk?
- Not really, no.
- Well, it’s scarcely a replacement then, is it?
- Listen, I’ll tell you what, tell you what. If you go to my brother’s pet shop in Bolton, he’ll replace your parrot for you.
- Bolton, eh?
- Yeah.
-Alright.

- Er... Excuse me. This is Bolton, is it?
- No, no it's, er, Ipswich.
- That's Inter-City Rail for you.

- I wish to make a complaint.
- I don't have to do this, you know!
- I beg your pardon...?
- I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this 'cause I like being my own boss!
- Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
- Oh yeah, it's not easy to pad these out to thirty minutes.
- Well I wish to make a complaint. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswich.
- No, this is Bolton.
- The pet shop owner's brother was lying.
- Well you can't blame British Rail for that.
- If this is Bolton, I shall return to the pet shop.

- I understand that this is Bolton.
- Yeah.
- Well, you told me it was Ipswich.
- It was a pun.
- A pun?
- No, no, not a pun, no. What's the other thing which reads the same backwards as forwards?
- A palindrome?
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's not a palindrome. The palindrome of Bolton would be Notlob. It don't work.
- Look, what do you want?
- No, I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to pursue my line of enquiry any further as I think this is getting too silly.
- Quite agree. Quite agree. Silly. Silly . . . silly. Right get on with it. Get on with it.