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S1-E1: Yesterday's Jam (The IT Crowd)
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The first episode of this hilarious British comedy

See LINKS for other episodes:

EPISODE 2      EPISODE 3      Sketch

Denholm : Hope this doesn't embarrass you Jen, but I find the best thing to do with a new employee is to size them up with a long hard stare.
Jen : So
Denholm : First day
Jen : Yes
Denholm : Scary
Jen : Yes
Denholm : Don't be scared
Jen : Well I'm not really scared
Denholm : You should be
Jen : Well I am a little bit scared
Denholm : Well don't be
Jen : Make up your mind
Denholm : (laughs)
Jen : (laughs)
Denholm : So, here you are
Jen : Yes, really looking forward to getting to grips with...
Denholm : I'm gonna put you in I.T. because you said on your CV you have a lot of experience with computers.
Jen : I did say that on my CV, yes. I have a lot of experience with the whole computer thing you know, emails, sending emails, receiving emails, deleting emails, I could go on.
Denholm : Do.
Jen : The web. Using a mouse, mices, using mice. Clicking, double clicking. The computer screen, of course. The keyboard. The... bit that goes on the floor down there.
Denholm : The hard drive.
Jen : Correct.
Denholm : Well, you certainly seem to know your stuff. That's settled. I've got a good feeling about you Jen and they need a new manager.
Jen : Fantastic, so the people I'll be working with, what are they like?
Denholm : Standard nerds!

Roy : Hello IT.
Have you tried turning it off and on again?
OK, well, the button on the side. Is it glowing?
Yeah, you need to turn it on. Err, the button turns it on.
Yeah, you do know how a button works, don't you? No, not on clothes.
Moss : Hello IT.
Yuhuh. Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?
Roy : no, there you go, I just heard it come on. No, that's the music you hear when it comes on. No, that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry, are you from the past?
Moss : You see the drive hooks a function by patching the system core table so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread is about to jump in there and do its stuff. And you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory. Hello?
Roy : Oh really?! Well why don't you come down here and make me then. What? You think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you, you can come down here any time and I'll be waiting for ya!  That told her.
It's about time you got back it's been all go.
Moss : You had a job?
Roy : Girl on fifth.
Moss : Did you and her, hit it off?
Roy : Define, hit it off.
Moss : Did she continue talking to you once you'd fixed her computer?
Roy : No. And while I was working on it, she rested a cup on my back.
Moss : No
Roy : Yup.
Moss : Unbelievable.
Roy : They have no respect for us up there. No respect whatsoever. We're all just drudgeons to them.
Moss : Yes. If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we would be to them.
Roy : It's like they're pally-wally when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed...
Moss : They toss us away like yesterday's jam.
Roy : YES! Like yesterday's jam! That is what we are to them. (phone rings, Roy picks it up) Err you know what, that doesn't really to work as a thing 'cos jam lasts for ages.
Hello IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?
en : Unisex toilets? You have unisex toilets like Ali McBeal.
Denholm : That's the sort of place this is Jen. A lot of sexy people not doing much work. And having affairs.
Jen : Oh my god look at that view! I feel like I'm on top of the world.
Denholm : Well Jen, this is where I leave you.
Jen : Ok. Where am I going?
Denholm : All the way down into the basement. Good luck.
Lift : Get out of the lift. Get out of the lift. Get out of the lift. Get out of the lift. Get out of the lift. Get out of the lift. Get out of the lift. Get out of the lift. Get out of the lift.
Postman : Oh. Won't be a tick.
Jen : Oh my God! Oh God!
Jen : Hello. Hello.
Roy : Yes, I believe it was Tolstoy who said.... ooh it seems we have a visitor. I'm sorry, myself and Maurice were just engaged in quite a serious discussion about books and such. And didn't hear you come in.
Moss : Wait a second, you said it was Tolstoy who said what?
Roy : Ah, never mind that now Maurice.
Moss : When have you read Tolstoy?
Roy : Shut up Maurice.
Moss : Why are you speaking in that weird voice. When did.. I don't remember this conversation at all.
Jen : Don't let me disturb you, I just wanted to come down...
Roy : Oh, don't be silly you'd never disturb us..
No, err... many people come down here to visit.
Moss : What are you talking about. Who comes down? What people? Why are you giving me the secret signal to shut up?
Roy : So, what can we do you for?
Jen : I'm the new head of this department. Is this my office?
Roy : Did she just... I am the head of this department!
Moss : I thought I was.
Roy It's one of us. It's certainly not her. I'm going to sort this out.
Moss : Roy, you've got a head wound there. Head wound!
Roy : I don't want to be rude or anything but I wasn't informed of any changes to this department.
Jen : Oh did they not tell you about me?
Roy : No, and we are perfectly fine down here thank you very much. We are more than capable of taking care of ourselves.
Jen : Sure. Sure. You know you're covered in blood.
Postman : Moss. Amazon thingy.
Moss : Ahh wicked. I know what this is. It's the new Harry Potter. I got the child edition and the adult edition just to check there are no differences in the text.
Roy : Sorry but I'm not going to be able to deal with that woman. Is nobody else going to get the phone. I suppose I'll get it. No, that is not a phone. I'm going to have a little lie down.
Jen : Come in.
Jen : Yeah, Denholm. Yeah, yeah, no n-n-n-no, no they've been fine so far. Yeah, I think we're going to get on great. Yeah I know, alright then, no you take care, alright, yeah I will, yeah, okay take care, take care, okay bye, bye.
So, hello, what can I do you for... what can I do for you?
Moss : Hallo. I was just wondering: do you want me to connect up your phone?
Jen: No n-n-n-n-n-n-no. It's working. Errm I was just talking to Denholm there.
Moss : But how?
Jen: Would you mind, closing the door for me?
Moss: Oh yeah, sure.
Jen : Yeah, from the other side.
Moss : Of course. Like this.
Jen : That's it.
Moss : With me on the...
Jen : Thanks.
Moss : Oh.
Are you alright?
Roy : Ahh yes Moss I'm fine. Nurse said I didn't do any serious damage.
Moss : I'm standing over here.
Roy : I know, I know, I'm joking. I'm fine. What are we going to do about her?
Moss : Well, I just went in and she was having a pretend conversation.
Roy : Really?
Moss : Yes. she's a little bit weird to say the least.
Roy : What's that?
Moss : Oh, just water. Sometimes I get a hot ear and this helps cool it down. She is quite the oddball. Did you notice how she didn't even get excited when she saw this original ZX81?
Roy : Yeah, that was weird. It's almost as if she doesn't know anything about computers.
Moss : What?
Roy : What are you doing?
Moss : Oh don't worry, that's why I always make two cups of tea. Anyway what were we talking about?
Roy : Oh her not knowing anything about computers.
Moss : What?
Roy : Okay, we definitely want to get rid of her.
Moss : Agreed.
Roy : Okay, so here's the plan.
Moss : A plan. Let me put on my slightly larger glasses. Okay. Hit me.
Roy : Okay, we go in.
Moss : When?
Roy : You know, like in a minute.
Moss : Will that be enough time for me to get to know the plan?
Roy : Yeah, you know what. I shouldn't have used the word plan. I've clearly gotten you over excited.
Moss : Would scheme be a better word? Although that's just as exciting, I might even need these.
Roy : All I was gonna say was; we go in, I make up a lot of bollocks about computers and we'll see if she picks up on it.
Moss : Yes. I can see why you didn't want to use the word plan.
Roy : Let me do the talking.
Ohh! Ok, we need to get this right. We need to stay calm. We do not want to go in there half-cocked.
Jen : Hang on guys. How can I help?
Roy : Well, we were just wondering, now that you're the boss; would you like us to access the data supplier and connect you up to the matrix?
Jen : You just made all that up.
Roy : You don't know anything about computers, admit it!
Jen : Will you stop trying to undermine me, now get in there and do some work to do with com-puters. I'll be in there in a minute to check up on you.
Roy : Okay, lady. You've won this round. But we can wait. You will slip up on day and believe you me we will be there when you do. It will be some piece of evidence that will prove without any shadow of a doubt that you don't know anything about computers.
Jen : (to Moss) What are you doing?
Moss : Plugging in your computer.
Roy : It might be something you say or something you do but when we notice it and believe me we will notice it, it's going to be a long way down for you sweet cheeks.
Moss : He'll realise in a second.
Jen : I cannot believe you are going to tell on me. You're like a pair of horrible old women.
Moss : What did she say?
Roy : She said we're like horrible old women.
Moss : She didn't.
Denholm : Hey, guys. I hear you've got something to tell me.
Roy : Err yes well , it's like this.
Denholm : Look at you. My IT team. Team players, each and everyone of you.
Roy : Yeah, well she ahh...
Denholm : There's no room for people who can't act in a team on my team.
(phone rings)
Excuse me.
Hello. What? Well if you can't work as a team you're all fired. That's it you heard me, fired. Get your things and go.
Hello security. Everyone on floor four is fired. Escort them from the premises and do it as a team. Remember you're a team and if you can't act as a team you're fired too.
Dawn. Get on to recruitment. Get them to look for a security team that can work as a team. They may have to escort the current security team from the building for not acting like a team.
Team. Team. Team. Team. Team. Team. I even love saying the word team. You probably thing that's a picture of my family. Uh uh. It's the A Team. Body; Doyle; Tiger; The Jewellery Man. The whole lot of them. So what do you want to tell me.
Moss : Well it's just not working out.
Roy : Hahaha. He's joking.
Moss : But you said.
Denholm : Not working out?
Roy : Oh no! We are getting on like a big house on fire.
Moss : My ear's getting hot!
Roy : No. You know what, we should leave now because, you know, you're a busy man and we've taken up far too much of your time. Jen, could you just get the door for me, there?
Jen : Absolutely Roy!
Denholm : So, why did you come here in the first place?
Roy : Errmmm. We set up a voice activation system on your computer. Err I think you're gonna enjoy it. It might just take a little while to get the pitch right on the voice but none the less go ahead. Thank you very much, bye bye.
Denholm : Thank you. How exciting.
Hello. Hello computer. Hello. Hello. Hello computer.
Roy : I mean, what good are you? You obviously don't know anything about computers.
Jen : No. But okay. But I can learn. You know, I mean. For example, Moss, you could take me through what you're doing right now.
Moss : I'd be delighted. I'm just working on a very simple piece of programming code.
Jen : Oh, I see. Oh God, no I'm lying again I didn't understand any of that, I don't know anything about computers. I mean, I'm absolutely useless to you I might as well pack up and go home.
Laura : Hi. Is, Roy around?
Roy : Hello there little lady. Are you lost? How can I help you? I'm Roy.
(Laura knees him in the bollocks and proceeds to beat him senseless)
Well here I am!
Roy : Not the face! Not the face!
Laura : Yeah well, maybe this'll teach you to treat people with a little bit of respect.
Roy : Is it 'cos we spoke on the phone earlier?
Jen : Oh my God. Are those Manolo's?
Laura : Oh, yes.
Jen : They are gorgeous. Were they expensive?
Laura : No, no, no. Got them in the sale.
Jen : Oh God, clever you. I'm never lucky enough to get a bargain like that.
Laura : Well, I should take you shopping.
Jen Yeah, no that would be fantastic. Yeah, nice to meet you.
Roy : Nice meeting you.
Moss : Chairman wow! You've just diffused that entire situation.
Jen : What situation? Oh that, yeah. Oh my God, does that happen a lot?
Moss : They're fairly regular the beatings, yes. I'd say we're on a bi-weekly beating.
Roy : Oh it's not all that bad.
Moss : Come on Roy, it's pretty bad.
Jen : Maybe I could help with this, you know, I mean, I'm a people person, and people like you need a person to deal with people; a people person like me. Oh my God. Ideas are coming, things are happening here. Okay, okay. What would you say, yeah, if I told you I had a plan to raise your profile upstairs by 100%. What would you say?
Moss : It can't be done. You're crazy.
Jen : What would you say Roy? Roy's passed out. Okay, I need a felt tipped pen, and some paper.
Roy : Really really, it was a true story. Unbelievable.
Office girl : I don't know why we don't go out with you IT guys more often. You're hilarious!
Roy : Yes, we are!
Jen : You guys should come down here more often. You should see this as a new era for Reynholm Industries.
Roy : "A new era for Reynholm Industries"
Oh, you what, if you want to hear something really funny, a really funny story, you should hear what happened to Moss and I when we were so drunk in Amsterdam that Moss lost his glasses. Moss! Moss! Come here, come here. Tell them that story about when we were drunk in Amsterdam.
Moss : Really?
Roy : Yeah, yeah. Oh It's brilliant, this is a great story, you're gonna love it. I'm just gonna get another box of wine.
Office guy : Well, go on then.
Moss : All right. Well. One night we really drunk, and err... we were so drunk that we decided to hire prostitutes.
But when they arrived at the hotel we were too scared to do anything so we brought them to a fair. They were really nice. In the end they only charged us half but we did have to pay for all the rides.
Roy : Haha! Oh isn't that just the best story.
Moss : You told me to never tell that story to anyone.
Roy : What are you talking about? That's a brilliant story and then you walked into the canal. Has it got to that part with the boat man?
Moss : Oh, you mean the story where I lost my glasses.
Roy : Yes. What story did you think I meant? Moss? What did you say? What did you say?
Jen : It's alright for you two. You're used to being social piranhas. I'm a very popular person usually.
Roy : That girl earlier, that tried to beat me to death with her shoe. Did anybody get her number?
Moss : That was a nice day at the fair, wasn't it. With Brandy and Crystal.
(phone rings)
Jen : Hello IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?


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