- Bloody ghosts
[Ghost busters theme song]
- Makes me laugh every time! Hello? Ghost of Christmas Present.
- That's all I need, a Scotch ghost with a comedy ringtone.
- Oh hi ya. No I'm just in the middle of a wee job, can I call you back? OK, lets get started! Now have you got any of those porcini mushrooms? Cause I see you have a wee tin of the button variety but they've not got the same zip.
- Give me strength!
- I've got a wee risotto on the go, I don't think we should travel on an empty stomach. So? Porcini mushrooms?
- Yes love, they'll be in my fridge, next to my Chinese water spinach.
- Fantastic, I don't see any Chinese water spinach?
- No darling? Oh, you know what they've probably fallen down by my Goji berries.
- No, I can't seem to find anything.
- No? I can't help you then love.
- Are you sure they are in there?
- Of course, they're not! What's the matter with you What do you think this is? Saturday Kitchen?
- Oh, I love that show, James Martin, don't get me started!
-: Well, it's just as well he can cook, cause he dances like he's sh*t himself.
- I'm sorry but his cha-cha-cha was a triumph!
- What do you know about it? You're a ghost, and not much of one by the looks of you.
- What's wrong with the way I look? This is Giorgio Armani!
- I don't care if it's George at Asda! That aint what a ghost's supposed to wear!
- I'm the ghost of Christmas present, I'm up to the minute! Constantly changing. Ever evolving, yet always on trend! Unstructured, yet tailored, clean lines, sharp silhouette but with a whiff of the shambolic rock star! Do not criticise the clobber!
- You couldn't be bothered, could you? Nah, that other fella I had here before, oh smashing he was! Yeah he looked the part! Was all done up in his costume, lovely pale face and what a stench! He stank like a rancid old arse! Whereas you,,, you smell like? God what is that?
- That's Paul Smith Summer!
- You're very effeminate for a ghost!
- Hey, Don't play your games with me Joany Taylor! Alright! You think your snide wee remarks are going to get a rise out of me you've another thing coming! It's wake up time, OK? Because the things I'm gonna show you tonight will leave you horrified by what you've become! And just for the record, there is nothing effeminate about me! OK?
[timer bings]
Ohh risotto, risotto, risotto!!! I've burnt it!
- Yeah, well, risottos are notoriously difficult to time.
- Joany!
- Yeah alright, keep your skinny jeans on! This ain't my kitchen!
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