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Michael Mcintyre Visits Fortune Teller Before Lockdown! (Michael McIntyre) (& foreign)
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A fortune teller predicts the coming of the covid-19 and the consequent lockdown. A funny comedy.

- Please, come in, take seat.
- Hi, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. I'm a bit nervous I've actually never never done anything like this before.
- So, you would ehm... you would like to know the future?
- Yeah, of course, that's why I'm here. That's why I paid.
- Are you sure?
- I'm absolutely certain.
- So this very serious. I will look into my crystal ball and I will tell you your future?
- All right.
- Crystal ball, please, show me, tell me, show me the future. I can see you are a comedian.
- Yes, but no points for that. I am quite successful.
- Next year you will no longer be comedian.
- No?
- You will be substitute teacher and amateur hairdresser.
- Really?
- Your uniform for these jobs will be tracksuit bottoms. You will wear these tracksuit bottoms every day for many months and on top half, you will wear t-shirt that you slept in night before.
- That sounds very odd. Okay.
- I see you getting very excited about a trip next year.
- Oh, oh. That is probably the Safari that I've booked. We've actually been really looking forward to that. We're going with friends.
- No. The trip that you are most excited about next year seems to be a trip to the garden centre.
- Sorry, am I not going on holiday with friends?
- Dream on. I'm afraid your friends will no longer come within 2 metres of you.
- That's, that can't be the case. I'm having a huge birthday party next year...
- Cancelled. You will sing happy birthday though, to yourself, every day at least eight times.
- That's very sad.
- And all your friends, they will be furloughed.
- Furloughed?
- Furloughed.
- You can't just make words up.
- I see you now. You are in a shop. You are at the till. You are very very nervous. You are wearing a mask on your face and gloves on your hands.
- Am I robbing this shop? Am I going to be a robber?
- You will spend many months inside. You will only be allowed out for one exercise per day.
- I'm going to be in prison for robbery. That's what you're telling me? Is this, is this crystal ball actually, actually, actually working?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Please!
- Okay.
- Step back. Do not touch ball.
- Sorry.
- Please, please, don't touch crystal ball. Oh, please, come on. Please, don't touch balls.
- Sorry, do you always carry hand sanitizer with you?
- I know what's coming.
- This is all, sorry, quite odd and far-fetched.
- I can see now your family roots.
- I suppose, that's very impressive. You can see the ancestry of my, of my family.
- No. I can tell you that your mother, your sister and your wife have very very dark roots in their hair.
- Well, sorry, but that doesn't sound very believable. My wife is literally always in the hairdresser. I don't know her natural colour.
- I see your wife. You are together. It is 10 o'clock in the morning. Only just +++++ in. You're both drinking Prosecco together. It is Tuesday.
- That sounds exciting. What are we celebrating?
- You are celebrating Tuesday, although both of you think it's Wednesday.
- So I won't... I will be a comedian next year, or a TV host.
- Not really, but I can tell you that you will have many meetings. These meetings will always be in your kitchen. You'll never wear trousers and the meetings will always begin with the words "Can you hear me? Can you hear me? I can see you. I can't hear you. You need to unmute it. Press bottom left. It's in the, the bott-. I'm texting you. Good. I can hear you now.
- None of that makes any sense whatsoever.
- How do you please sign currently your e-mails? Question.
- Oh right. Signing in at the end of an e-mail I... best wishes, I suppose. Just best wishes.
- From next year, you will sign all e-mails with "stay safe".

A BIT= (coll.) A little.

ACTUALLY= In fact, really.


THIS VERY SERIOUS= Fake mistake, he should say: this is very serious.

NO POINTS FOR THAT= That is easy, there is no merit on that.

SUCCESSFUL= In this case it means the same as "famous".

NO LONGER= Not any more, never.

SUBSTITUTE TEACHER= He speaks like a foreigner, so he sometimes makes mistakes, it should be "a substitute teacher and an amateur hairdresser".  A substitute teacher is a person who takes the place of a teacher who can't go to class. In normal life that would be another teacher, but in this case he means that he will partly have to replace the teacher and help teach his own children at home.

AMATEUR= Not professional.

TRACKSUIT BOTTOMS= The trousers of a tracksuit (see picture).

T-SHIRT THAT YOU SLEPT IN NIGHT BEFORE= Again, fake foreign mistakes. It should be: a t-shirt that you slept in the night before. It means the same as: a t-shirt you wore the night before when sleeping. He probably refers to a pyjama top.

ODD= Strange.

LOOKING FORWARD TO (something)= Very excited about something in the future.

DREAM ON= Continue dreaming. The particle ON often means that the action continues, when added to a verb. We use this expression when we mean that something will never happen.

WITHING 2 METRES OF YOU= Closer than 2 metres from you.

THAT CAN'T BE THE CASE= That's not possible.

HUGE= Really big.

FURLOUGHED= A furloughed employee is on a leave (a kind of holiday) without any payment. Or they are fired from their jobs, so the leave is forever.

MAKE WORDS UP= Invent words that don't exist.

TILL= The place where you pay before coming out of a supermarket or shop.

STEP BACK= Go a bit further away, don't get so close to me.

HAND SANITIZER= A liquid to clean and disinfect your hands.

FAR-FETCHED= An exaggeration, difficult to believe.

FAMILY ROOTS= Your ancestry, the origins of your family.

ANCESTRY= All the people in your family who lived before you.

DARK ROOTS= Now he refers to the colour of the dyed hair when it's growing. If you have got dark hair and you change its colour to blond, when it grows the roots (the bottom of it) are dark again, so you have "dark roots".

LITERALLY= Really. It means that he is not exaggerating, but saying exactly the truth, though it is an exaggeration anyway.

PROSECCO= A brand of red wine.

A TV HOST= The presenter of a TV show.

YOU'LL NEVER WEAR TROUSERS= He's talking about videoconferences, so he can dress up on top, the visible part on the video, but it doesn't matter what you are wearing for the bottom, since they can't see your legs.

UNMUTE= To turn off the mute mode. When the mute mode of a device is on, the sound is blocked and the device is silent, so if you unmute it, it sounds again.

BOTT-= He starts to say "bottom" again, but stops half way.

TEXTING= Sending you a text message.

WHATSOEVER= At all (used to emphasize a negative).

CURRENTLY= Nowadays, now.

BEST WISHES= The usual way to finish off a letter or e-mail.




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